I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
