two words: eviction party
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
