Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
