Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
