Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
