I hate all girls vehemently.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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