Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
