My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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