Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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