Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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