Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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