I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
