i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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