Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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