don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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