I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
