So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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