I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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