So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
