i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
