So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
