I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
