shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
