I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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