mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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