It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
