i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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