He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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