Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
