we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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