it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
