Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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