i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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