It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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