don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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