Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize