I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
