I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
