My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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