I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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