Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
