hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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