walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
