I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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