Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
