It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
