I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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