Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
