is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
