i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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