I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
