I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
