I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
