I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
